My Faith vs. 2016

So, in therapy, I shared multiple things and I’m going to try my best to organize this so that even I can fully grasp what is going on in me.

First, I feel the need to make this disclaimer: I love God. I believe in Jesus. And I love His church. But I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t disgusted at times. 

Let’s start with my relationship with God; as I’m certain all of my issues flow from that broken place.  I was once a very jubilant, bubbly, outspoken advocate for God and the church. While I am still an advocate for God, Jesus, and His spirit, I have dialed back on the church. This is not a church bashing blog, because church has been a home for me when I didn’t have one. Not that I was homeless, but I lived in a place that felt every bit of hell and church was my saving grace. However, I’m not sure we are doing it right or what exactly we are supposed to be doing. I’ve got so many questions but that is an entirely different blog. 

I’ve allowed my offenses, un-forgiveness, and anger with people that I trusted in ministry—who were/are the care taker of my soul, in a respect, to intervene with my relationship with God. Because I didn’t understand so many things, I was looking for leaders to make sense of some things. I almost would’ve preferred them to say they didn’t know what to do or say either, rather than cape for the devil with blanket statements. “It’s the devil” was not a good enough answer because the people I saw/heard not making any sense were the believers, not unbelievers. They were seasoned Christians who advocated that “church” was where I needed to be but “church” was caping for the “evilness” that the “devil” had caused. How is this the devil’s doing but you’re caping for him?  The summer of 2016 I watched a two men, fathers, someone’s life partner, son, and sibling be shot and murdered. I had always strayed away from watching videos like this but I felt inclined to watch these. I was traumatized to say the least but I’m glad I watched them. I didn’t grow up unaware of racism, but I never felt directly connected to “the struggle” if you will. I needed that reality check.

 Philando Castile’s and Alton Sterling’s deaths were senseless and reckless. It hurt me to my core and I literally cried for days because of it. Thinking of their families mourning. Thinking of the entire African American community mourning. Looking at my bible that read to “mourn with those who mourn” yet, when I logged into Facebook I read a lot of non POC questioning the victims. The weaponless, non-life threatening, and very compliant victims. In the past, I’ve seen some of these same people claim, “They should’ve just complied” and now that they’re compliant, why’d they deserve this? They cannot just not be black. I had a hard time processing the fact that people who could “see into the spirit realm” could not see blatant racism in their face. Mainly because the aggressor looked like them. My therapist explained to me that “having the Holy Ghost is a gift- given without repentance and is not indicative of personal maturity or good morals/character”.

That low-key blew my mind. Because she was absolutely right. I, myself am not perfect, but I know God dwells with in me. So I can only assume that God can dwell in them to while being a couple marbles short. Hey, God can indeed use a donkey….But a part of me wanted to suspect that having The Holy Spirit, especially once you’ve claimed to have it for so long, that you would have these things (personal maturity). But while that may be true, I still need someone who wants to lead me or have a voice in MY LIFE to have some personal maturity; especially when you’re older than me and have experienced living in the 50’s and 60’s to know racism was alive and well and you still have some high-key racist cousins. 

I then started to question this bride-of-Christ because what’s even funnier is that, prior to this situation, God had started speaking to me about how saddened He was by His church. So I became relentless in prayer for the church (when I say church, I mean collectively and not individually). When I saw the responses from the church, it silenced me. Not because I didn’t believe God would answer my prayer, but because I finally saw what He saw. How can someone, anyone be trusted to lead anyone spiritually without being mature in the fruit that they bore? Then I think of people like David, who had a man be killed because he didn’t want to face his sins. I don’t so much want to focus on the fact that he continued to repent…but I want to show that YES, people in position ABUSE their power. How could we think that people of today’s world no longer do so? Then I’m reminded of people like Noah and Moses. They didn’t know it all, they were just willing to be obedient. They were willing to hear and obey. I imagine that is all God wants for people He has called to be leaders. Then even that baffles me. How is that it? They get to be dismissive to those they have been given charge over? I suspect that if the great shepherd saw that a wolf was attacking any sheep, for any reason, He would handle it and not make any excuses. He would not say to the rest of the black sheep, “Well, if Rodney had been in the fence that I provided, this wouldn’t have happened.” No. He would notice that that sheep was missing, go after him to bring him back into the fold, and deal with whomever tried to hurt it because no one touches God’s sheep. These actions have certainly raised a righteous indignation within me. It’s frustrating because I do not know what to do with it or how to navigate in it. How do I or we become the Daniels? The Meshach, Shadrach, and Abednego? How, in 2016, 2017, 2018 do we stand in solidarity to social injustices? This may seem like not much of a big deal to some of y’all but my faith was and is the core of who I am. I became a believer in 2011. I wasn’t raised in church. Never taught to pray. I met Jesus at my lowest…He is literally the best thing to ever happen to me. The church was my hospital. My brothers and sisters were truly my keepers. Seeing people I held in high regards, say things and make me feel like my blackness and my grief was a farce. Seeing them (even some black people trying to consider the feelings of their white friends) continuously hold the men and women in blue in high esteem over A VICTIM was sickening. Seeing some people not even say anything let me know we were truly in a world of hurt as a body. They weren’t even considering the BLACK men and women in blue who I’m sure felt overly conflicted. I don’t know what to do, but I do know that I can no longer pretend that I’m not deeply wounded. Highly disappointed. I know that no church service will fix how I feel. I’ve gotten better but I’ll be lying if I said I was %100. This literally sent me on a mission to relearn exactly what I believe in because if these responses were indicative of the response that My God, My Jesus would give, I don’t know if I belong to this faith. However, I absolutely do not believe that the God of heaven and Earth would respond the way they would. Especially since His Son was MURDERED by GOVERNMENT officials without repercussion. So then I ask myself, are we all truly believing in the same God? Are we believing in the same Jesus? It sure doesn’t seem like it. We believe in the same story line, but the character and heart of the person that’s on the cross in my belief clearly differs from others that I’ve known to be my brothers and sisters in the faith. I do not say this based on opinions but based on what I’ve seen people post on social media lined up against scripture. Truth is, a lot of my brothers and sisters have chosen to retreat because the ones the devil have used in social injustices look a lot like them and that appears to be a hard pill to swallow. Wrong is wrong. If one deserves time, so does the other. Wearing a blue suit should not be protection against the law and evilness.

  After all of this pouring out, I still don’t know what to do, but I do know I have some repenting to do, some forgiving to do because I cannot allow this to continuously affect my communion with God. 

One thing that God did tell me, was to be real about where I was. I don’t need to be “over it” for the sake of fellowship. I don’t need to rush past this so I can be accepted. He can handle my anger. He can handle my confusion. He can teach me what I need to know. Some things just take time and that’s okay; this is a marathon, not a sprint.
This is why my new book is so important to me. Because I believe God is real, Jesus is real, that His spirit is alive and well…It is my hope that everyone be saved. But it is also my hope that children, teens, and adults receive Him with the truth of who He is and not just who they’re told He is. I pray that they all receive Him and walk out their own salvation in fear and trembling of Him, as slowly as they need to, not in a hurry to soothe the opinions of people.

Much love to all who read thus far. Your feedback is welcomed.

Come join me at my book launch for Penelope B’s Great Mission!
This is a free family event!
February 24^th, 2018 @ 2PM
211 Rankin Street
Fayetteville, NC

www.fruitfulhands.co